Emergency Beer Float
Emergency Beer Float! – by Corliss Buenavida
The heat has finally reached Toronto!
As some might say, “It’s too damn hot!”
In a situation like this I would normally invite myself over to my brother’s pool at the old family homestead in the burbs but it’s getting a reno this year and isn’t quite ready yet.
Not only that, but he is even more of a privacy freak than me, so no photos allowed which is a big draw back for this type of blog.
As an alternative I turned to my Emergency Beer Float Kit!
That’s right, an EBF kit, which I had assembled for an occasion just like this and after this writing and my suggestion the staff at beerfloat.calm are working enthusiastically on creating an all-in-one Emergency Beer Float package to be added to the Merch page.
In general, it is just an amusing way to escape the heat, but it is actually ideal for those jonesing for a float – addicted to relaxation experts - like myself.
So, what’s in this kit?
Well of course there is a flotation device – standard issue, round with back rest, handles and a drink holder; a koozie; and most importantly an inflatable kiddie pool just slightly larger in diameter than the float.
You will need to supply the beer. For me, in this case I chose a Tread Lightly (or two), a light lager from Muskoka Brewery about three hours north of Toronto.
If you have a hot tub, that works but not with the water heated – we’re talking escape the heat here! And as an emergency kit, moving a hot tub is a little complicated.
Make sure you have space for this personal cooling station and a water source whether that is a hose or bucket. You also need to have drainage for when it is time to empty. As I am in an old Victorian home, yard space is limited, so I put mine on my upper deck. I have some spots I can hang my legs out over the edge as per a normal float but if I want to drift with the breeze (if it ever picks up) I need to take up a cross-legged pose.
Indoors is definitely not a good idea – it’s rule 2 on the massive instruction sheet.
Speaking of the instructions, kiddie safety is obviously a high priority so be careful if you have young chillins. This pool comes with a two-sided instruction sheet in just about every common language – lawsuit protection!
Now add alcohol as we recommend!
That’s why on our merch page at beerfloat.calm we have all purchasers sign a waiver to release us of all responsibility for your safety. But, if you can find a way to drown in a kiddie pool that is almost entirely filled with a flotation device, kudos to you!
To be fair, getting in and out is more awkward than you would think and certainly more difficult than a deeper pool or lake where you can put your feet well below your hips. I find that keeping my feet in the water and using the handles to pull myself and the float forward and up in a deep squat position works quite well but it may take some practice before it will earn you a 10-point exit.
Another method is the side roll where you flip an arm and leg from one side of your body across to the outside of the pool while balancing on the other hand and foot inside the pool where you end up in a bent leg downward dog position. It’s not pretty either but both techniques are fairly drowning proof!
In an ideal world you can make a ‘dry exit’. This is something I have done on a few occasions when the water is so cold you don’t want to touch it at all but there is some pre-planning involved. It doesn’t happen very often at The Villa but sometimes around late November and early December when the Nicaraguan days and pool water are at their coolest I will use a float with a panel bottom instead of mesh so the float stays dry inside and with the assistance of a rope attached to my patio overhang I can lower myself backwards into the float with my feet on the edge of the pool similar to a rock climber rappelling down a cliff. If your rope anchor point is too low i.e. below your shoulders, then the move will require more strength.
For the dry exit, you just need to take a grip on the rope, place your feet back on the pool edge and pull yourself up and out. Try not to push your craft back into deeper water or you may have to pull it back with your skimmer.
A dry entry and exit with an Emergency Pool Float set up is similar except your feet will be slightly lower making the moves even easier. Just put your feet down outside the pool on a non-slip surface. Also, make sure that what ever you are tying your rope to is strong enough for the task. When you lower yourself onto your float be sure that you truly are in a buoyant situation before letting go of the rope. With only a tiny amount of clearance between your float and the surface that your pool is resting upon your tailbone could become bruised if you drop too early.
Getting back to jonesin’, I know you want to get in that float but if you can bare a little longer wait, let the water in your inflate-a-pool heat up a bit. It wont take long with that small volume of water and blistering heat outside. Unless you have a warm water supply maybe supplement your hose water with a bucket or two of hot water. For us Canadians, maybe three of four buckets, as you know up here in the cold north our water comes through underground tubes from our melting glaciers.
Just like everywhere else in the beerfloat world you must be cognizant of your flotation device being caught in the wind and for that matter your empty pool too. Here I use a small weight for my empty float even while it sits in the pool.
The other basic supplies you should have handy are sunscreen, a hat, sunglasses, and your music of choice. Don’t forget a towel, no traipsing water through the house!
I mentioned music. I have my trusty exterior wall mounted marine speakers and an EBF playlist ready to go with tracks like ‘The Heat Is On’ and ‘Hot Fun in the Summertime’ but everybody’s tastes are different so have your own tunes prepped to make the best of this emergency situation.
Now you are in your float, close your eyes and remember previous floats in a big pool or pond.
Aaahhh! All is good!
When you are ready to re-open your eyes, take in this new view too because you have made it happen. Now you can float almost anywhere!
Even if your neighbour says you look like an idiot.
Depending on your environmental circumstances, their may be overnight visitors who could mess up your pool so be prepared to deflate and re-inflate on a daily basis. Here in downtown Toronto, we have an abundance of racoons, and I have found a few footprints but as yet no punctures. I’m leaving the air in as a test.
You will also want to refresh the water simply because it will get too warm but also to clean out leaves, bird and bat droppings and remove any mosquito babies in the making.
Lastly, after satisfying your needs with an exceptional flotation experience (or many) make sure you dry and pack away your products with the care they deserve until your next emergency. (Read about Big Red for storage advice.)
Next step for us at beerfloat.calm is to create an on-call emergency mobile float tank which you can order in because – we care!
You need to float,
Corliss
beerfloat.calm = beerfloat.net not beerfloat.com
